im trying to finish the path of daggers before i start this, but also this is due back to the library on the eleventh so ill have to check it out again. i think ive been skimming over like 75% of robert jordans writing, which i kind of feel bad about, but some of it is really pretty boring and useless.
i kind of feel like im free-falling thru someone elses life which is maybe how most people feel when they start a hectic new job. id been nannying for so long that i sort of forgot what anything else is like, and doggy day care life is definitely not like most other types of lives. i wanna be like, you know this is all really pointless and theres so much more out there, right? but i also feel like im the useless one for having such a privileged upbringing and being given tools which enable me to understand a complicated index card based front desk system. they think im smart, but im not really, just lucky. part of me feels like im the one whos supposed to be living in those big fancy glass apartments where we drop the dogs off when their owners arent home, and another part of me is so glad that i am not living in the big fancy glass apartments. i guess its pretty much the same thing as being a nanny, only different.
i want to do something useful with my life, and doggy day care is useful but it irks me that there are these people who work to service these other people and this whole system is keeping them in their place, in a way.
i guess i dream of getting out of it, of getting myself to some place outside of that, and in my brain big sur represents that because its represented it to so many other people. i cant imagine leaving again once i get there. i cant imagine my life beyond that. i love this apartment with the cats and the ikea furniture, but i cant spend my life in doggy day care. its something you do to get by. i never really needed money before and in a way i still dont really NEED it now, not in the way other people need it. i like working, i like doing a good job, but i dont want to work for money so that i can buy things and have a life based on that, which so many lives are based on. maybe because i feel meant to play music, but unable to do so in a really complete way, the way that i want to, anyway.
my life is full of remembering the names of mammals these days.