yes, take that, again and again and again. i exist now in the most beautiful place on the planet. the edge of the world but the center of the universe. californian people keep saying, coming visit me, and i say no no never. i am never leaving.
i live in my car on the turnouts and parking lots now. woke up at four thirty this morning and drove to vista point just up the street from julia pfeiffer and i parked there and listened to music in the dark and then fell back asleep in the back of the truck for awhile. need more blankets.
the other day isabel walked by my truck on the road in the dark and she said, morgan morgan morgan, and we sat on the tailgate and i found a flashlight that exists as part of my jeep and she told me that im a good person and people like me. it helped.
most people think me living in a jeep is funny or cool. at the cibo matto show at henry miller last week jesse and i ran the door and he said he wanted to see my home. the plan is to go back there after this month and he will be there too and we will make music and abi will be winter gardening and a tree might fall on us but everyone is ok with that.
im tired of feeling like damaged goods. this morning when i woke back up i parked across from julia pfeiffer and took the ewoldsen trail all the way up to the waters trail and over to the tin house, i finally saw it in all its busted up glory perched up overlooking partington, and then i took the fire road back down and walked the highway back to my car and saw the waterfall from the road. and i thought, damaged goods damaged goods damaged goods, over and over, but realized for the first time i was hiking alone and not totally terrified of mountain lions, and i thought how i will live here month to month, i will stay for november and if i make it till december i will stay for january, and so on and so on. and i thought about how i could write a book about living here, which is funny because there was never anything i felt like writing a book about before.
i do have people to talk to, even though living in your jeep on the highway one turnouts can be lonely sometimes. i do feel like my life has meaning, now, and it took coming here to realize how much i hated my life before, how the only thing that kept me going was walking back and forth to yoga up and down franklin avenue all those months in brooklyn. its nobodys fault that i hated it, its just what happened to be.
i havent seen greg as much lately. yesterday during row cleaning john told me where he was and i ran out onto the deck and yelled his name and told him i missed him and ran up the staircase and he hugged me and i made more jokes about us being best friends. luckily hes my chiropractor now so i get to see him at least once a week. he looks like a huge woodland elf and its been a week and a half since we were sitting in his truck and he told me to make a list of everything that makes me angry and give it to him in three weeks, and its already 25 pages long. i like my list. it gives me something that i can do, a task to accomplish, and i like tasks.
im getting really good at cleaning bathrooms and im starting to like doing it. mary has worked here 16 years and she says she still likes it. she also says not to go in the esalen baths or youll get a yeast infection (they used to not use bleach, though). she lives with a harlan up at lucia and she said i could come over and spend the night. she gardens up on the ridge and i want to ask her to teach me to garden, so i can become a real big sur lady. she knows everybody. when i showed up again last week she said she was so happy and that she missed me. i told her im moving back to the library for the winter and she said if she had any space i could just come live with her, but the harlans went to court and now some other harlan is kicking out her harlan and she says “all the harlans are crazy.”
so maybe ill live in my truck forever, or a few months or a year and write a book about it. the only thing i really want is to stay in big sur.