woke up at seven, went to work on subway, worked 9.30-1 with zoe, went to snice on fifth ave, had a sandwich and read “untimely meditations” for a bunch of hours, took subway to windsor terrace and worked 6.30-11.30 with layne and ben, watched netflix, came home on subway, ate pizza, took a shower, went to bed late
three hundred and thirty-one
“As long as any one desires life as a pleasure in itself, he has not raised his eyes above the horizon of the beast; he only desires more consciously what the beast seeks by a blind impulse. It is so with us all, for the greater part of our lives. We do not shake off the beast, but are beasts ourselves, suffering we know not what.
But there are moments when we do know; and then the clouds break, and we see how, with the rest of nature, we are straining towards the man, as to something that stands high above us. We look round and behind us, and fear the sudden rush of light; the beasts are transfigured, and ourselves with them. The enormous migrations of mankind in the wildernesses of the world, the cities they found and wars they wage, their ceaseless gatherings and dispersions and fusions, the doctrines they blindly follow, their mutual frauds and deceits, the cry of distress, the shriek of victory—are all a continuation of the beast in us: as if the education of man has been intentionally set back, and his promise of self-consciousness frustrated; as if, in fact, after yearning for man so long, and at last reaching him by her labour, Nature should now recoil from him and wish to return to a state of unconscious instinct. Ah! she has need of knowledge, and shrinks before the very knowledge she needs: the flame flickers unsteadily and fears its own brightness, and takes hold of a thousand things before the one thing for which knowledge is necessary. There are moments when we all know our most elaborate arrangements are only designed to give us refuge from our real task in life; we wish to hide our heads somewhere, as if our Argus-eyed conscience could not find us out; we are quick to send our hearts on state-service, or money-making, or social duties, or scientific work, in order to possess them no longer ourselves; we are more willing and instinctive slaves of the hard day’s work than mere living requires, because it seems to us more necessary not to be in a position to think. The hurry is universal, because everyone is fleeing before himself; it’s concealment is just as universal, as we wish to seem contented and hide our wretchedness from keener eyes; and so there is a common need for a new carillon of words to hang in the temple of life, and peal for its noisy festival. We all know the curious way in which unpleasant memories suddenly throng on us, and how we do our best by loud talk and violent gestures to put them out of our minds; but the gestures and the talk of our ordinary life make one think we are all in this condition, frightened of any memory or any inward gaze. What is it that is always troubling us? what is the gnat that will not let us sleep? There are spirits all about us, each moment of life has something to say to us, but we will not listen to the spirit-voices. When we are quiet and alone, we fear that something will be whispered in our ears, and so we hate the quiet, and dull our senses in society.
We understand this sometimes, as I say, and stand amazed at the whirl and the rush and the anxiety and all the dream that we call our life; we seem to fear the awakening, and our dreams too become vivid and restless, as the awakening draws near. But we feel as well that we are too weak to endure long those intimate moments, and that we are not the men to whom universal nature looks as her redeemers. It is something to be able to raise our heads but for a moment and see the stream in which we are sunk so deep. We cannot gain even this transitory moment of awakening by our own strength; we must be lifted up—and who are they that will uplift us?”
From “Schopenhauer As Educator,” Friedrich Nietzsche
ive been reading this book for over a month and coming to its end it is becoming almost painful to digest. you start to think, oh god if only nietzsche understands me then i really must be crazy. a few months ago i visited my mother in california while she was renovating her kitchen, and we ate all our meals in a spare bathroom sitting on the carpeted steps of this totally garish pink tub and having really long conversations. at one point I told her that i couldnt even think about having a career because just existing is far more than enough, and she laughed and said that i am just like her.
three hundred and thirty
woke up at seven thirty, went to work on subway, worked with layne 9.30-3.30, read at library on sixth ave and eighth st, went to fayaway rehearsal 6-7.45, came home on subway with ben, showered, ate quesadillas with beau and watched mad men, fell asleep on couch, went to bed
three hundred and twenty-nine
got up at nine, went to vinyasa class 10-11.30, came home, showered, did chores, made smoothie, took nap, got pizza bread at scratchbread, went to Home Depot for screen door and other stuff, walked home, beau built screen door, gardened, planted seeds in pots, read untimely meditations, ate sushi in yard, walked to bushwick with beau, went to silent barn, saw gina mobilio, robot princess and brook pridemore play, hung out in yard, took cab home, went to sleep
three hundred and twenty-eight
slept in, got berries from grocery store, made smoothie, cleaned apartment, put away laundry, took shower, went to williamsburg and walked around northside festival, ate eggplant sandwich in the park, went into a thrift store, watched beau eat ice cream, came home, watched arrested development, had salmon and noodles for dinner, fell asleep on couch, went to bed
three hundred and twenty-seven
got up early, took subway to gowanus with beau to drop off nord, went to pie place on 3rd ave and had savory pie for breakfast, walked to work, worked 9.15-12.15 with zoe, went to public library and read a book while she slept, walked to practice and got a sandwich on the way, fayaway rehearsal 1-3, took subway home, made smoothie, read deli magazine, took a nap with beau, got up and ate dumplings and watched the last “good” episode of twin peaks, went to bed at midnight
three hundred and twenty-six
got up 6.45, took subway to work, worked 8-4.30 with layne and ben and had to stay inside because layne was sick, came home, went to williamsburg with beau, had falafel at oasis, saw miniboone at spike hill, walked to public assembly, waited around, saw the nowadays, robot princess and pinelawn empire play a weird gig, slept in a leather booth for most of it, took subway home with beau, showered, went to sleep late
