i spent 21 days of november meditating on different kinds of gratitude, but thanksgiving is the hardest day to be grateful. maybe because its a day i feel a pull towards my own family and frustration that i have to spend it with someone elses. plus frustration that my family is kind of a wreck anyway and always has been. somethings you just have to let go of. so i ended up spending my thanksgiving being told that money is the most important thing in life and being asked “what i do with my days” and receiving a blank stare at my answer. and its funny because ive been thinking about that kind of thing a lot lately, careers and money and jobs and lifestyles, and this one time that emily said she wanted to live a “liberal lifestyle,” and to her that meant not having kids, and it bugged me that she described it that way, but also i agree. maybe it bugs me because i actually also want a liberal lifestyle.
ray told me that money is important and also not at all and this morning i did a meditation where you have to pick someone whos shown you compassion and kindness and i picked him because i couldnt think of anyone else at that moment that i didnt feel kind of annoyed towards. i was glad i picked him.
the truth is that i actually really like menial labor for the most part and if i could i would extend my 5 hour a week work study shift at the yoga studio to every day of the week and just clean yoga mats and launder towels and help people buy yoga clothes and stuff all day long. and the only thing ive felt like im good at, at least for the past few years, was singing (and analyzing milton, for one semester of grad school before i dropped out) and writing semi- harmonically complex music so theres really no point in trying to make millions selling scarves or writing jingles. i have absolutely no desire to make money, but ive also been lucky enough to never experience poverty, so maybe im just lazy and spoiled.
if i could choose anything id probably still pick cleaning yoga mats all day.